In Marilynne Robinson’s novel “Gilead,” an older father, John Ames, writes a letter to his son, fearing he will pass away before his child is old enough to hear everything he wishes to share.
In this final testament, he lays out his life, including reflections, truths, and the gospel to which he has devoted himself. Ames discusses his friend Boughton, a Presbyterian minister, and reflects on his own experiences of loss, having lost his wife and first child during childbirth. In contrast to Boughton, who has eight children, Ames remarks, “I used to dread walking into his house, because it made mine seem so empty.”
Loneliness. It is a sobering term, often avoided in our modern world. While studies and literature suggest that despite our overwhelming online connections, we are more disconnected than ever.
In Reformed circles, the implicit message can be clear: marry, have children, and live happily ever after. As a young single female in the church, this has been my experience. The expectation often feels like: be a housewife, even homeschool your children. While these are beautiful pursuits and things worthy of prayer, is this truly the chief end of our lives? I worry that this is the message being conveyed.
The first time I felt embarrassed about being single was when a well-intentioned friend at church said to me, “You are a catch! How are you still single?”
In that moment, something unsettling settled in my chest. I began to wonder: Is there something wrong with me? I shifted from feeling mildly content in my singleness to a misconstrued longing to fulfill societal expectations—marry and have children—rather than a genuine desire to do so. I didn’t feel a godly longing, but rather a desire to avoid pity from others.
After a long season of suffering, a mentor of mine kindly remarked, “I think this darkness will prepare you to be a wife and mom.” Although it felt tender in the moment, later I questioned, “Is that what this suffering is all for?” What if I never get married or have children? Will I look back and think it was all for nothing? Surely not. Our trials should mold us into Christ’s likeness; that is the ultimate goal.
When asked what profit I gain from the sufferings I have experienced in my young life, my first response was to be a godly wife and mother. However, I paused, realizing that this was what I thought people wanted to hear. The real answer is to become more like Christ. Shouldn’t that be our true motive? Regardless of our relationship status—married, single, divorced, or widowed—what is the chief end of people? Is it merely to have a family? No. It is essential to revisit the catechisms we adhere to.
There are sufferings in both singleness and marriage. Looking back at Gilead, Ames reflects on his friend’s seemingly blessed family life, observing, “But good fortune is not only good fortune, and over the years, things happened in that family that caused some terrible regret. Still, for years it all seemed to me to be blindingly beautiful.”
In today’s secular world, the nuclear family has disintegrated. It is natural for the church to stand against this and declare what the Lord has said. However, if we swing the pendulum too far, we risk compromising the essence of the Christian life.
I speak on behalf of young single, Reformed women: we often find ourselves in a narrow box. Please be mindful when you say things like, “You are next” at an engagement party. Monitor your advice on singleness carefully. Instead of saying we are waiting for a husband, emphasize that we are all walking hand in hand toward glory. Our loneliness can only be filled by Christ, regardless of our relationship status. Sweet friendships can be a balm rather than merely relying on the happiness of marriage. We are not less than because of our bare ring fingers and empty wombs. It is both good and godly to pray for a spouse, but let us not confuse that longing with our ultimate satisfaction. And if you view singleness as a curse, there is a young woman out there who sees it as a gift.
header photo by Alexander Zvir on Unsplash
hand photo by Zoe on Unsplash
12 Responses
Truth and Grace: Thank you Haley, you wrote something that many of need to hear, and you were very clear in your message. You did not write as one with a “chip on her shoulder,” or “an axe to grind” but as one filled with grace, understanding we didn’t mean to say something that was hurtful, but usually meant it as a compliment. And yet, knowing all that does not make the hurt any less, the pain any less severe. I needed this message when a colleague expressed something similar, I had not thought about it this way, I was too flippant. I am sorry. And I am grateful for that colleague and now for you, loving us and trusting us with a message we need to hear, but so full of grace that we cannot miss it. You surely are “a catch,” a real blessing to this community of writers and readers, am I have no doubt to the faith communities to which you belong in your worship, work, and education.
Amen. From an old single Reformed woman.
Gloria, please don’t say “old!” Why? Because I was probably born before you. Be nice! 😊 ❤️
This is a really wonderful essay, Haley. I greatly appreciated it. As an older woman, who has had 2 husbands, I nevertheless resonate with your words. I am now single; and it is a blessed time in my life.
Thank you for sharing your important perspective.
Haley,
Thank you for your grace and clear message. God bless you in your walk with Christ, your educational pursuits, and the blessing you bring to your community, both in church and the wider world!
Thank you, Haley! In Luke 14:26 Jesus is to love expansively. “Family values” can limit the scope of our caring, to the detriment of the Kingdom of God.
Thanks for your honest and thoughtful reflection. I too have been crushed by the phrases: you’re a catch, how are you still single, it’ll happen when you least expect it, or some other message about how if I just focus on perusing God my future husband will appear.
I’m grateful to have a beloved small group that reminds me my value comes from being made in Gods image and meets me in my loneliness. Many others in the church are not so mindful with their interactions towards single people.
I’m not apologising for butting in, because I never ever accepted any wedge driving. Everything in my life is a gift. Not married yet, now frail. As a child I saw when authority changed its attitude towards boys preying on girls. While “things always went on”, we had assumed it was the business of families involved and didn’t need official “backing”. As the “discussion” lessons (not biology) involved former RE teachers (one of whom was picking on a boy anyway) and as I was becoming aware of a new sort of prestigious religious proselytisation around then (accompanied by age siloing), I now wonder with hindsight whether the newer fashion in Christianity to no longer teach prayer (which means supplication) is connected to abandoning introducing others to each other, or visiting them. In fact I see a rift between the trendy and inhumane “new reformed” and the very rare “old reformed” who never forgot to be decent. It’s not only some good lady that is missing out, it’s all potential acquaintances. Men and women alike, haven’t known how to signal how to relate safely. Secular organisations (seven mountains) always had their ups and downs and don’t need their personnel proselytised as much as Our Lord’s good angels to guide their elbows while they are busy (then they will thank Him on the other side). One of the main ways to affirm the nuclear element within wider families is to set the example of friendship and prayer – which is spiritual fruitfulness – but it became politically untrendy over the last 40 years. A sole spouse shouldn’t be burdened – many friends of all ages should want to join in.
Haley as a woman who didn’t get married until the right man (though not perfect) came along, I wasn’t all that interested in marriage. I never wanted kids and neither did he. We are content. I’m 70 and I don’t regret not having children. My gynecologist at the time told me I needed children for my old age. My thought was that there’s no guarantee they would help me.
Thank you, Haley. You bring up wise and true points of information.
Agree wholeheartedly. Thank you for expressing so well what seems to need repetition in the church …