My Dear Siblings in Christ in the Christian Reformed Church and Reformed Church in America, 

Please do your best to keep an open mind and humble posture whenever complex topics (like same-sex marriage and healthcare for transgender individuals) come up, no matter what you personally believe about the specific topic. This is a wonderful way for you to express love and respect to those you disagree with.

Besides, because you are human, no matter how certain you are that you are right, there is still a possibility that you could be wrong. All humans, even those who profess to be followers of Christ, are imperfect and struggle with sin and bias, and make errors in judgment and interpretation.

It is important for each of us to do our best to continually remain open to guidance and loving correction from the Holy Spirit so that when we are in the wrong, we can repent and make things right with our loving and just God and anyone else whom we may have hurt with our misguided actions and/or words. 

My siblings in Christ, please also do your best to use the pronouns people ask you to use and do your best to call people by the name they prefer even if it differs from the name that was given to them at birth.

I understand that some of you believe that gender variance is best understood as a consequence of the Fall and may feel uncomfortable using feminine pronouns for a person who appears to mostly possess masculine physical traits or using masculine pronouns for a person who appears to mostly possess feminine physical traits.

An affirming theological view of gender variance posits that gender variance is a part of God’s creational intent, whereas an ‘accepting-but-not affirming’ theological view of gender variance posits that gender variance is a product of the fall, and a ‘non-accepting and non-affirming’ theological view of gender variance posits that gender variance is the work of Satan and should be eradicated from existence.

You may believe using their preferred pronouns would cause these individuals to mistakenly assume that you have an affirming theological view of gender variance. However, very few folks who are transgender will automatically assume this of people who use the pronouns they prefer. It is much more likely that they will simply feel respected and understood and feel like you genuinely care about their well-being.

Please understand that people aren’t asking you to use certain pronouns for them as a theological litmus test. The primary reasons why most persons who identify as transgender ask others to use different pronouns for them are because 1) using other pronouns causes them to experience a sense of psychological distress and 2) this exacerbates feelings of gender dysphoria they are already dealing with. Although you may feel discomfort, using their preferred pronouns puts the person you are addressing at ease. 

Gender dysphoria refers to feelings of significant discomfort or distress that a person may experience arising from a persistent or strong sense of mismatch or incongruence between their gender-identity, sex assigned at birth, and/or primary and secondary sex characteristics (APA).  

Moreover, not everyone you think is transgender or a certain sex may actually be transgender or that sex. Many cisgender persons are assumed to be transgender or a different sex simply because they don’t look the way others have been socially conditioned to expect or because they have an androgynous appearance. 

Cisgender refers to someone whose gender-identity corresponds to their birth sex.

So, please use the preferred pronouns (and names) of everyone you encounter as a way of demonstrating hospitality and compassion.  

Also, please take note of the particular interests and talents of the youth in your congregations and help them find ways they can use them in the life of your church. While some youth hope to serve as elders, deacons, or pastors later in life; most youth do not feel very strongly about eventually acquiring a church leadership role. However, many youths do desire to be involved in a way that makes them feel like they are an integral part of the church community. This is true regardless of someone’s sexual orientation or gender. 

Being intentional about helping the youth in your congregations figure out ways they can be involved is a great way of communicating to them that they do in fact matter, and can play a significant role in helping your congregation model the love of Christ to the wider world.  

In addition, my siblings in Christ, please do your best, during small talk and casual conversations, to refrain from asking people who are not married if they are dating someone, or if they are in a relationship, or if they are romantically interested in anyone. 

There are people (heterosexual and non-heterosexual, transgender and cisgender alike) that will be single their whole lives. That’s always been the case. And a good number of people who are single, are single by choice or are just completely unbothered by the prospect of life-long singleness.

This describes me by the way. I am someone who has been single their whole life so far, and doesn’t really care if they never end up having a relationship with someone or getting married to someone.

When a person who is single gets asked these types of questions over and over, they may end up developing feelings of insecurity or shame about their singleness. If your church truly believes that a commitment to life-long singleness and celibacy is as God-honoring and commendable as a commitment to fidelity in marriage (and that God loves all people equally regardless of their relationship-status) then these types of questions really shouldn’t be the ones that are regularly asked. Being single is not something a person ever ought to be ashamed of or made to feel guilty about.  

These simple things are what I and many other LGBTQ+/SSA persons committed to following Christ have found helpful in making us feel less “othered” and more welcome and safe in churches, including churches that require their members to abide by a traditional view of sexuality and marriage. My faith siblings, I’d appreciate it greatly if you could do these things.

May God’s love abound in you all.

Header photo by Valeria Reverdo on Unsplash