Perhaps we could all use a few moments of levity in these difficult days? –Ed.

INT. CAFÉ CLOUD NINE, HEAVEN – ETERNAL DAY

Small groups of saints in casual robes, vaguely glowing, chatter convivially around heavy wood tables in a cozy bistro. Flagstone floors, heavy ceiling beams, highly polished wood paneling, a cheery fire in the hearth—the works. Saints at the bar order espressos or craft brews or fruity drinks with little paper umbrellas, but of course no one is drunk.

MARTIN LUTHER, JOHN WESLEY, and CHARLES WESLEY sit together at a large, round table, leaning back comfortably in leather-clad chairs. Each sips occasionally from a stein of dark, heavenly beer with a lovely head of foam.  

JOHN WESLEY
Think they’ll show? Why is everyone late?

CHARLES WESLEY
Why are you so worried about time, bro?
We literally have forever.

JOHN WESLEY
Not if we’re going to plan a tasteful Reformation Day
celebration by the end of the month!

Charles rolls his eyes.

MARTIN LUTHER
Calm down, boys. There’s JC now!

JOHN CALVIN slips in the door, looking glum, and approaches the table.

LUTHER
JC, my man! Glad you made it!

Luther uses his foot to push an empty chair toward Calvin.

CALVIN
Gentlemen. Greetings to all.

Calvin sits primly in the chair and scootches it closer the table.

LUTHER
JC! Why so glum! [He gestures toward Charles.]
Get this man a brew, Charlie!

Charles rolls his eyes again but pops up to the bar.

CALVIN
I’m not glum, Marty! This is just my
resting systematic theology face!

The fellas nod—they get it.

JOHN KNOX appears in the door, peering around nervously.

LUTHER [waving madly]
The Knox-ster! Over here, my friend!  

Knox sidles over to the table and plumpfs into a chair.

LUTHER [calling over to the bar]
Hey, Charlie! Make that two! [He points at Knox.]

Charles gives a thumbs up from the bar.

LUTHER
All right, boys. I call a quorum of this planning
committee. How can we make this year’s Reformation
Day party a total blowout?

CALVIN
I suggest we begin with the guest list.
We could limit this to only those who are truly
Reformed. I have a five-point checklist
we could use to compare guests against…

JOHN WESLEY
Let it go already, dude!

Charles returns to the table with two full steins of brew, slapping them on the table with sloshy panache.

CHARLES
Guys, I wrote a new song!

JOHN WESLEY
Really, Charles? Another one?

CHARLES
Come on! I think it’s perfect for the
occasion! I’ll sing it for you!

Everyone braces for… something. Charles starts pounding a beat on the table and chanting as if he’s at a pep rally. Despite themselves, the others eventually start pounding along.

CHARLES
Semper reformanda secondum verbum dei!
Semper reformanda secondum verbum dei!
Semper (semper) semper (semper) semper all the way!
Semper reformanda secondum verbum dei!
Go team! Go team! Reformation Day!

LUTHER
Ole!

Luther raises his glass and they all clink their beers and take a swig.

CALVIN
Well! It’s a little on the nose there, Charles.
But I appreciate the spirit. And the Latin.

CHARLES
Yeah, maybe I’ll workshop it a bit with my
buddy Tommy Cranmer.

LUTHER
[Looking thoughtful] I was thinking I might
write up some parody verses to the tune
of ‘For All the Saints.’

KNOX [looking shocked]
Martin!

LUTHER
Well, it’s the only saint-related song we
Protestants can sing! Besides, I would love
to see the look on ol’ Ulrich’s face when we sing it!

Everyone giggles quietly.

JOHN WESLEY
How about if we table the entertainment
question for now and get back to the guest list?

KNOX
Are we going to invite… women?

CALVIN
Yes, John. We are going to invite all the women.
Get over it, OK? We’ve told you over and over
that women have always been essential in the
Reformation! Also, I thought you were having regular
apology coffees with queens Mary and Bess?

KNOX [quietly]
Yes, well. It’s still… uncomfortable. I was
kind of proud of Against the Monstrous Regiment
of Women.

CHARLES [patting Knox assuringly on the arm]
You’ll get there, bro. You’ll get there.

LUTHER
Hey guys, I was thinking. Let’s invite Pope Francis!

ALL
WHAT?!?!

LUTHER
Seriously, he’s totally cool! We’ve been hanging out.

JOHN WESLEY
Wow, Marty. You sure have changed your
tune up here! First it was monthly chats with
Leo X, and now this?

LUTHER
Kind of the point up here to, you know,
repair the stuff that went on… down there?
[he tilts his head toward the floor]. Besides,
have you been watching this new Leo guy?
What a dude! And he’s an Augustinian!

KNOX
Are you obsessed with popes or something? 

LUTHER
[ignoring him] Anyhow, we are going to invite
Augustine, right? I mean, we pretty much all owe him forever.

Nods and murmurs of assent. Another round of glass-clinking and swigging.

CALVIN
Yes, I suppose we should set aside my
checklist and just issue an open invitation.

KNOX
But John, last year, a bunch of Catholics
came dressed up as the 95 Theses!

LUTHER [guffawing and slapping the table]
I thought that was hilarious!

KNOX
But it’s not a costume party!

Now they’re all laughing.

JOHN WESLEY
Let’s talk about the keynote speaker.
Who is going to give the annual
‘state of the church’ speech?

CALVIN
Oof. Tough assignment this year.

CHARLES
You say that every year!

CALVIN
Well, it’s true every year!

LUTHER
What about Martin Luther King, Jr.?
Great name, first of all, and obviously a
fantastic speaker.

CHARLES
Yeah, but poor guy! Everyone asks him!
He has to show up at every single event and
drop in one or two of his most famous lines!
He’s already exhausted, and he’s not even
been here for a century!

CALVIN
Sure, but we could actually give him time
to say something. A whole speech rather than
just a line here and there.

KNOX
Oh sure, John. From the guy who always
goes WAY over the word count!

CALVIN
Occupational hazard for reformers! Anyway,
we could ask MLK if he’s available. I know he’s…
a Baptist and all. But at least he would
give encouragement where needed. So much pain and
longing in the church these days, so much discouragement.
These people need assurance! Also rebuke, of course.
As usual, I am horrified by the depravity, especially
pride, greed, hypocrisy…. These people’s hearts are
idol factories! I would mention schismatic spirits,
but … you know… present company…

The group nods soberly. A quiet moment. They’re thinking.

LUTHER
Or we could ask Martin Marty!

JOHN WESLEY
Always with the Martins?

Luther shrugs.

CHARLES
Look, there’s no shortage of good speaker ideas.
And some really good new ones on the circuit.
Let’s form a subcommittee to write up a short list.

JOHN WESLEY
Guys, we are getting nothing done!

LUTHER
Oh fine. Let’s talk about something easy.
Catering menu? I think we all agree.

ALL
Cheesy fries!